Is Space Salty?

It hasn’t been long since I last wrote, but I have way too many thoughts and worries at the moment that I just need to vent for a hot minute to get some things out.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole ‘controlling personality’ thing. The more and more I read about it, the worse it gets, and the more relatable it is. As it turns out, I hurt people way more often than I think. I had no idea, and it makes me depressed to think that I’ve been hurting people I care for this whole time. I don’t even know where to start, though. I know I have to fix this, but this is my personality we’re talking about – this is who I am presenting myself as, but I want to be better for the people around me so that they don’t feel as uncomfortable. I also made a discovery; turns out, that controlling personalities aren’t natural, it’s developed from experiences in your childhood where you were put down, chastised, or ‘never good enough’ for someone, likely your parents. What a shocker. Not. I’m not going to get mad at them for this, but damn did they ever screw me up as a person.

Noticing all these traits that I haven’t paid attention to before is quite overwhelming. It effects the way I talk to others, and I make a lot of rude jokes about people. The thing is, is that it’s meant to be exactly that, a joke. But, reflecting on my daily dialect, it often comes across wrong, simply rude, or as putting down people. Remembering the points that I learned yesterday, this fact definitely matches up. But, I’m glad that I’m noticing this now, so that I work on myself and hopefully create new friends.

I never got a text back. It sucks. I’m starting to piece things together though, as I might’ve treated my friend poorly in the past. I’m interested to see their reaction tomorrow when we’re face-to-face.

Discovering that you’re not a great as you made yourself out to be can be a little daunting. In a cheeky way, I’m kind of pleased that others think I’m a b***h, it’s kind of bad-ass. On the flip-side, if I never try to get better, I’ll never find new friends or even try to progress in a relationship. So, for myself, my future and my sanity, I am going to try. Even if it’s baby steps; discovering you’re an abusive person needs a fair amount of time of reflection, unraveling my current personality, and trying to re-construct it. But I will do my best.